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as my mother told me my aunts passing not even an hour ago.
i...didn't really feel anything at the lost.
all i thought about was how was her death going to be processed? for example the children, i was concerned for them.
i was quite disturbed that
i did not cry or feel remotely sad...does that mean something is wrong with me? for feeling no remorse? am i really a bad person now?
have i finally lost my humanity?
so far 4 deaths have happen in my family during my life time.
the first being my gay uncle ronny who died of HIV- that he got from another man. plus he was part of a group of husbands who were married to women but committed adultery acts with the same sex- lord knows what else got spread around...
when i was told he died.
"huh..." was all i thought. we weren't close. so i really didn't care and i didn't know he was gay until long after he died by the slip of a tongue by my grandmother/his mother. but he was my mothers favorite uncle and she mourned his death worse then everyone, so i pretended to cry and act sad about his lost for her sake only. i love my mother and hate seeing her sad. it makes me sad.
the second being a distant grandfather that i was found of as a toddler- who died from drunk driving and crashed into a moving truck that somehow beheaded him. we did not attend the funeral and i felt nothing about his lost.
the third being a uncle from my dads side of the family/my dads brother- who died from choking on his own vomit while he was drunk. again i pretended to cry who tried to look sad at his funeral cuz everyone else was. we were not close.
all these family losts ive never really felt remorse...and now my aunt is dead and all im thinking is- to be blunt:
"oh. another one? damn, thats too bad." thats the gist of it.
again dont get me wronged, i ...kinda... loved them. some more then others.
i just received word that my aunt Sabrina passed away this morning...we were...pretty close. i didn't have to wear a mask around her as i do everyone else, she and her children were one of my favorite relatives simply because i grew up with them and was the most comfortable with them. more familiar. she was my mothers sister, the person who helped raised me when i was growing up and continuously abused me with belts, wires and so forth. dont get me wrong i loved her dearly, she was just showing me tough love because i was a rambunctious wild child that deserved the discipline when growing up. sadly i could not see her and her children as often because my mother wouldn't allow me to because they had a bed bug infestation that my aunt neglect along with her childrens head lice and education. and because she appeared to be doing drugs with her junkie boyfriend and it was quite a wrong crowed at her home.
dont get me wrong i loved my aunt sabrina. and if i ever left home, her arms were wide open.
anyway the cause of her death is still being discovered. currently her children were taken away to a ..child care facility? a place were children are taken to from unfit environments i believe. my mother is helping clearing out Sabrina's apartment as i write this and i offered to help tomorrow. she and my father are fighting for custody of her children/my favorite cousins.
i do not mind sharing my room with a 14 and 7 year old girls. (after we rid them of their lices, dont want charlie to catch it) but their biological father- who lives separately from them due to his infidelity and sabrina stabbing him in the back (literary) after catching him (they are divorced)-
he WANTS them.
so i have no idea what awaits the children.
but where are NOT allowing them to live at a damn child facility then be given away to a strangers home.
i've been there.
i can't help but feel upset at myself for not visiting her when i had the chance. two days before her death. i was in the neighborhood. i could have waltzed into her home if i wanted, in a area where my company was always wanted by her and my cousins. but did it? no. i was too concerned to get a monthly bus pass because i didn't want to miss/be late for work.
but. in favor of a dear friend of mine, i will leave this account up.
this account i have is tainted, honestly it hurts to be on here, so i keep avoiding logging on lately-the damage ive done here is sever. nothing will change that.
and just because im leaving this account does not mean i will be leaving deviantart~ c:
i love this magical site where we share beautiful ideas too much to rip it out of my life
i am simply starting over by creating a BRAND NEW account- which means a new beginning for me to start fresh, meet new people and continue to draw what i love and enjoy, along with that new account will be
a new me.
i strongly feel i should have done this a long time ago- because now i am finally happy
and its safe to say on that new account- i am no longer apart of the adventure time community, im done participating in something that continues to hurt me and my charrs by people that have wronged me and continue to sting me and haunt me JUST by their mere presence. spreading words about me. scaring more people to stay away from me. i do not want to be apart of something where people are always wary of me and unsure and intimidated to approach me. i will not deal with it anymore.
i am fully embracing the Transformers Animated fandom now
my new account is up, but i will not give the link. i do not want anyone to find me. you are free to ask for said link- but i have the right to say no.
all current rps and ships/working-on-it-ships: are still going (unless you feel otherwise) it would not be fair of me to end the few things i DO enjoy here.