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as my mother told me my aunts passing not even an hour ago.
i...didn't really feel anything at the lost.
all i thought about was how was her death going to be processed? for example the children, i was concerned for them.
i was quite disturbed that
i did not cry or feel remotely sad...does that mean something is wrong with me? for feeling no remorse? am i really a bad person now?
have i finally lost my humanity?
so far 4 deaths have happen in my family during my life time.
the first being my gay uncle ronny who died of HIV- that he got from another man. plus he was part of a group of husbands who were married to women but committed adultery acts with the same sex- lord knows what else got spread around...
when i was told he died.
"huh..." was all i thought. we weren't close. so i really didn't care and i didn't know he was gay until long after he died by the slip of a tongue by my grandmother/his mother. but he was my mothers favorite uncle and she mourned his death worse then everyone, so i pretended to cry and act sad about his lost for her sake only. i love my mother and hate seeing her sad. it makes me sad.
the second being a distant grandfather that i was found of as a toddler- who died from drunk driving and crashed into a moving truck that somehow beheaded him. we did not attend the funeral and i felt nothing about his lost.
the third being a uncle from my dads side of the family/my dads brother- who died from choking on his own vomit while he was drunk. again i pretended to cry who tried to look sad at his funeral cuz everyone else was. we were not close.
all these family losts ive never really felt remorse...and now my aunt is dead and all im thinking is- to be blunt:
"oh. another one? damn, thats too bad." thats the gist of it.
again dont get me wronged, i ...kinda... loved them. some more then others.